blatherings

i get extremely frustrated with the idea of christianity. i mean, don't get me wrong. i believe there is a higher being who made us and cares for us and all sorts of beautiful marvelous things. but. it's the religion of it all that really upsets me.

i am not a perfect person.

i just felt like i needed to start out by saying that.

but people meet me i tell them i am a christian because you are either a christian or you don't believe in God...there's little to concept in people's mind about the non-practicing christian or non-religious believer...i am a child of God attempting to live without pretense which i think is living without religion.

when they discover i am "christian" since no other name lends itself to the life i attempt to lead, the judgment switch flips. i am not the nice, sweet girl who cusses like a sailor that they just met, or the girl with a funny, if at times dirty sense of humor. i am a hypocrite.

"do you talk like that in church?"

"are you just trying to impress people acting like that?"

"i thought you were a christian."

where do people get the idea that christians are these super-human creatures who don't mess up? or the idea that christians are hoity-toity holier-than-thou monsters who go slumming and act like the rest of the world when the church doors close sunday afternoon.

it makes me angry.

yes, i believe in God. yes, i agree with the bulk of christian theology. that being said, i do not agree with the pretense. i do not agree with the overly religious feel you get in...well, every church i've ever been to.

the whole point of christianity, what makes it so amazing, is that it's ok to screw up. if you make a mistake, realize and admit what you did, attempt to change, God knows your heart and he forgives you. it's all right. that's not held over your head. God actually accepts that you're human and is willing to help you work through it and lead the life he designed you to lead, as long as you let him. if you're legitimately trying, he knows it. grace is the name of the game.

and yes, i know there are places in my life where i fall short. but outside of theology, outside of the bible, outside of what i've been told is right or wrong, i'm doing my best. i am living the life i want to lead. i cuss. yes. i date....boys. i'm lazy and i make excuses and i place blame in everyone but myself. but that doesn't mean that i don't try to do my best at whatever i do.

it's taken me all of my life to come to a place where i'm even somewhat ok with who i am. i'm learning to work with this personality i was given instead of trying to change it, to mold myself around the person i really wanted to be. so how anyone can judge me for not fitting perfectly to the image in their heads of christianity...i don't know. i'm not going to. i'm happy. i'm living.

i apologize for this rant of a post...but it was much needed. :)

MEL.